i got a 1.0000e+18 things i would rather fucking do, than be fucking with matlab
posted at 2023-01-27 01:34:54 UTC
being scalable is in the definition of a vector, SVG you dumb bitch
posted at 2022-10-31 19:43:24 UTC
failed three anatomy exams back to back to back
posted at 2022-10-08 23:34:54 UTC
just saw some idiot use “apt” as an abbreviation for “appropriate”
posted at 2022-04-26 22:57:08 UTC
linguistically speaking, linguistically speaking is redundant
posted at 2022-02-10 23:46:23 UTC
1980: the smallpox threat is eliminated, presumably by bigpox
posted at 2021-09-03 16:17:16 UTC
pretty unfair how premature babies have to pay an extra month of taxes
posted at 2021-08-30 12:13:26 UTC
quadruple sec
noun.
a mixed drink consisting of 2oz of triple sec served in a standard
1.5oz shot glass
posted at 2021-01-27 14:53:46 UTC
ultra-violet light is the least violet of the violet lights
posted at 2020-11-12 15:35:42 UTC
“nonnegative” is positively the best double-negative
posted at 2020-09-11 11:49:12 UTC
cheap medical marijuana same day delivery no prescription necessary visit instagram.com
posted at 2020-09-11 11:41:09 UTC
quarantine update: you wouldn't think that caesar salad dressing and frosted flakes go well together but they don't
posted at 2020-03-24 02:50:17 UTC
Oops, you think I'm in love?
That I'm sent from above?
I'm not that innocent.
—Pope Innocent II
posted at 2020-03-19 14:00:18 UTC
don't knock me, for trying to bury
$0,000,000
over in rio, dejanery
posted at 2019-12-27 15:48:52 UTC
you and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the bravo channel
posted at 2019-06-18 03:06:59 UTC
hamlet
noun.
an overweight child
posted at 2019-05-16 01:09:27 UTC
can mute people get herpes? (asking for a friend)
posted at 2019-03-21 20:27:38 UTC
in any serious margarita recipe, tiny limes are key
posted at 2019-03-14 13:18:12 UTC
“black panther”
so like, a regular panther?
posted at 2019-02-09 20:26:37 UTC
at first, i was afraid rolls d20 that i was petrified
posted at 2018-11-14 03:57:23 UTC
a blind person is someone who looks retarded
posted at 2018-10-30 05:50:42 UTC
Venn Diagrams: where Venn and Diagrams meet
posted at 2018-07-24 00:55:58 UTC
so cerebral i should be guarding the entrance to hades
posted at 2018-05-08 02:10:09 UTC
deepest, vee-est, my neckline is like a shark's fin
posted at 2018-05-01 19:06:40 UTC
next time SAVE A TREE and wipe your butt on a tree
posted at 2018-05-01 19:04:26 UTC
get a room?!? bitch i was BORN in a room
posted at 2018-05-01 19:03:17 UTC
life hack: use a 3D printer to print free books
posted at 2018-03-05 14:39:36 UTC
switching to golf where my subpar performance will be appreciated
posted at 2018-01-27 00:44:34 UTC
expensive
noun.
someone who used to be thoughtful
posted at 2017-12-27 18:43:18 UTC
and the award for most thug rap artist/group name goes (simultaneously) to… the 1991 movie city slickers featuring billy crystal?
posted at 2017-12-21 12:48:41 UTC
shout out to the little grate at the end of the faucet, your last line of defense against miniature burglars
posted at 2017-12-18 14:28:48 UTC
“I believe I can fly”
okay
“I believe I can touch the sky”
strictly less impressive
posted at 2017-11-18 14:14:28 UTC
I started making eye contact with people but instead of confidence I got pink eye
posted at 2017-11-15 19:57:41 UTC
west virginia: it's not in west virginia
posted at 2017-11-15 19:56:03 UTC
“you're so full of yourself,” said the unprofessional radiologist
posted at 2017-11-15 14:45:31 UTC
glad to hear that sharon and ozzy are back together after their black sabbatical
posted at 2017-11-01 01:04:50 UTC
menstral projection
posted at 2017-10-27 17:29:06 UTC
children's tylenol
noun.
a mixed drink consisting of one shot of patron and six regular adult
tylenol
posted at 2017-08-21 14:35:16 UTC
food is so good, i could eat food every day for the rest of my life
posted at 2017-08-02 17:50:56 UTC
“All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put
Humpty together again.”
Get it together, all the king's horses.
posted at 2017-08-02 17:40:57 UTC
police officer: do you know why I stopped you?
me: what's even the difference between ice and ice water
posted at 2017-01-30 00:44:18 UTC
what the fuck is a sigourney
posted at 2017-01-03 00:57:53 UTC
“I work at the dollar store,” said the retarded bank teller
posted at 2016-12-20 00:45:43 UTC
if you get a phd in massage therapy does that make you dr. seuss?
posted at 2016-03-21 00:00:48 UTC
go to bed?!? bitch i was BORN in bed
posted at 2016-03-20 03:54:55 UTC
me: i put two 'v' characters next to each other what should i call it?
kindergarten: how about double 'u'
me: fuck it start the paperwork
posted at 2016-03-05 01:02:57 UTC
everyone is literally filled with throwup right now
posted at 2016-01-13 00:13:02 UTC
get nourished or diarrhea trying
posted at 2015-11-08 03:46:22 UTC
siamese twin vampires calling themselves dosferatu
posted at 2015-11-08 03:45:14 UTC
“but I did not shrink the deputy”
—Rick Moranis
posted at 2015-08-15 15:02:45 UTC
a thinner-style horror movie called the maddening where a gypsy turns you slowly into john madden
posted at 2015-08-03 19:59:21 UTC
I just looked up flash flood and it means regular flood?
posted at 2015-06-23 14:02:24 UTC
soy milk ಠ_ಠ
posted at 2015-06-23 13:56:42 UTC
in mexico, “soy sauce” is just telling you what to do with it
posted at 2015-06-23 13:55:09 UTC
in mexico, “soy beans” are just telling you what they are
posted at 2015-06-23 13:52:35 UTC
if you thought they were called the black guy peas for most of 2005 you weren't that wrong
posted at 2015-04-26 19:08:31 UTC
elon musk the new scent from old spice it will send your armpits to mars
posted at 2015-04-26 19:06:40 UTC
“it's five o'clock nowhere”
—a rudimentary understanding of time zones
posted at 2015-04-14 22:58:07 UTC
fortress
noun.
lady who builds a lot of forts
posted at 2015-03-28 19:32:18 UTC
dreaming of a white christmas: nostalgic
dreaming of a white valentine's day: potentially racist
posted at 2015-02-14 15:13:15 UTC
theba is half the battle
posted at 2015-02-10 02:04:45 UTC
quintessential
adj.
like 5 essential i dont know
posted at 2015-01-23 05:02:07 UTC
donkeyxote: the award winning comedy where we replace jon lithgow by just more donkeys
posted at 2015-01-22 16:52:03 UTC
i like my sex how i like my dr. j vs. larry bird
posted at 2015-01-21 18:51:19 UTC
I would rather get drunk than do drugs and vice-versa.
posted at 2014-12-31 03:08:49 UTC
girl had a body like a capri sun
posted at 2014-12-26 17:36:24 UTC
a movie review titled “the importance of being Ernest Goes to Jail”
posted at 2014-12-07 03:33:38 UTC
are you allowed to eat a gun for your last meal because that seems too easy
posted at 2014-11-20 01:15:02 UTC
the first neighborhood watch program: big ben
posted at 2014-11-15 15:46:56 UTC
anyone know a trick for getting cocaine stains out of your wife
posted at 2014-11-07 03:33:19 UTC
“Every moment I spend with you is a moment”
—Steven Tyler
posted at 2014-10-06 02:27:28 UTC
my bud alcohol level is lime
posted at 2014-06-24 05:37:47 UTC
every dildo is an anal dildo unless it's a pussy
posted at 2014-06-17 00:35:38 UTC
okaiety
noun.
like three quarters of the way to gaiety
posted at 2014-06-11 23:18:10 UTC
how many calories are in a scab
posted at 2014-05-22 18:09:51 UTC
“I would do anything for love, but I won't do that”
—RSVPing to a wedding
posted at 2014-05-21 21:50:55 UTC
due to clerical error, the dark ages
posted at 2014-05-10 03:48:25 UTC
grapefruit and grape fruit aren't the same thing come on
posted at 2014-04-26 21:39:39 UTC
the machine says “ambergris” is the optimal name for a stripper
posted at 2014-04-22 23:42:42 UTC
every lion is a food lion
posted at 2014-02-01 03:39:20 UTC
can you get sick from snorting undercooked meat
posted at 2014-01-31 22:00:34 UTC
i've known some good cake thieves, but that guy really takes the cake
posted at 2013-12-07 01:36:57 UTC
ms. pac man is just pac woman tell your friends
posted at 2013-11-14 20:04:16 UTC
well that's the last time i take legal advice from a jpeg
posted at 2013-08-17 01:48:59 UTC
the cancer center of america has a 90% customer satisfaction rating which if you think about it is really low
posted at 2013-05-14 20:38:08 UTC
food pyramid
noun.
a fat person
posted at 2013-03-03 04:22:25 UTC
what if one of them is a capital i and he's been woody alien all along
posted at 2012-11-25 15:25:10 UTC
vagina euphemism: “scarborough fair”
posted at 2012-11-09 01:08:03 UTC
earl grey: sophisticated english gentleman
earl anything else: probably really into trucks
posted at 2012-09-28 00:59:39 UTC
no woman nokay
posted at 2012-09-14 00:08:28 UTC
hey, j just met you,
and this is crazy,
but here's my number,
call me or else
posted at 2012-08-29 16:29:12 UTC
i would fuck a 100-meter butterfly probably
posted at 2012-08-01 19:42:05 UTC
who would you rather fuck: sarah mclachlan, or somebody else?
posted at 2012-07-27 03:03:12 UTC
“Hey Heresy”
—The Religin Blossoms
posted at 2012-07-14 12:41:03 UTC
Horton Hears a Who!
(one elephant's crippling battle with synesthesia)
posted at 2012-07-06 20:44:55 UTC
just made my wife emit what will henceforth be known as the sperm wail
posted at 2012-05-11 05:57:05 UTC
my golden rule: “do unto others”
posted at 2012-05-08 14:55:44 UTC
just found out charlotte from charlottes web was black
posted at 2012-05-02 04:37:09 UTC
what the fuck is a denzel
posted at 2012-04-25 13:46:13 UTC
“bought a sleep number bed because i like my mattress firmer than my wife”
posted at 2012-04-23 15:11:20 UTC
fact: women are both biodegradable and regular degradable
posted at 2012-02-24 13:18:32 UTC
mario yamasaki probably gave up a lucrative career as a nintendo
posted at 2012-01-21 19:42:00 UTC
Come to my newest seminar, 5 Hour Synergy, in which we flood a hotel conference room with nerve gas.
posted at 2012-01-17 19:14:52 UTC
you're gonna need to throw a hyphen in “stop smoking aids” if you don't want me to laugh at your sign for half an hour
posted at 2012-01-14 00:45:30 UTC
i like my coffee how i like my women: whiskey
posted at 2012-01-02 21:10:59 UTC
if i have to die from a disease i just made up, i hope it's missile toe
posted at 2011-11-23 02:28:13 UTC
pretty much everything is beyond beds/baths
posted at 2011-11-22 23:53:40 UTC
I never met a data I couldn't metadata.
posted at 2011-11-21 18:17:40 UTC
the fuck is new zealand the new version of
posted at 2011-11-04 01:59:06 UTC
we don't neosporin let the motherfucker burn
posted at 2011-10-25 21:30:21 UTC
“their spit is so acidic it can melt through the floor”
—ripley's believe it or not
posted at 2011-10-25 04:20:36 UTC
insurance companies, don't defecate on my leg and tell me it's a plague of locusts
posted at 2011-10-25 02:22:49 UTC
here lies one whose name was writ in dicks
posted at 2011-10-13 15:22:48 UTC
it's called hard lemonade because it is difficult to drink
posted at 2011-10-05 17:14:01 UTC
if lamarck was right, his children would have had an unhealthy obsession with giraffes
posted at 2011-08-17 23:41:33 UTC
if you love commitment so much why don't you just marry it
posted at 2011-08-10 14:35:29 UTC
a comedy sketch titled “tonya harding party harding”
posted at 2010-11-22 23:03:42 UTC
Keywords: conjugate gradient method, preconditioning, convergence analysis, agonizing pain
posted at 2010-10-11 23:39:56 UTC
You've been hit by
You've been struck by
A failed ventricle
posted at 2009-06-26 14:43:07 UTC
“why doesn't it work” = “why does not it work”
posted at 2009-02-21 23:45:58 UTC
your mom is so fat, she has her own phone number
posted at 2009-01-09 01:02:57 UTC
the phases of eating a “strawberries and pepper” chocolate bar:
1. what the fuck were they thinking
2. what the fuck was i thinking
posted at 2007-06-16 19:05:52 UTC