michael orlitzky

Twitter

  1. police officer: do you know why I stopped you?
    me: what's even the difference between ice and ice water

    posted at 2017-01-30 00:44:18 UTC

  2. what the fuck is a sigourney

    posted at 2017-01-03 00:57:53 UTC

  3. “I work at the dollar store,” said the retarded bank teller

    posted at 2016-12-20 00:45:43 UTC

  4. real talk: iceberg is the best lettuce

    posted at 2016-12-18 16:42:49 UTC

  5. if you get a phd in massage therapy does that make you dr. seuss?

    posted at 2016-03-21 00:00:48 UTC

  6. go to bed?!? bitch i was BORN in bed

    posted at 2016-03-20 03:54:55 UTC

  7. me: i put two 'v' characters next to each other what should i call it?
    kindergarten: how about double 'u'
    me: fuck it start the paperwork

    posted at 2016-03-05 01:02:57 UTC

  8. everyone is literally filled with throwup right now

    posted at 2016-01-13 00:13:02 UTC

  9. get nourished or diarrhea trying

    posted at 2015-11-08 03:46:22 UTC

  10. siamese twin vampires calling themselves dosferatu

    posted at 2015-11-08 03:45:14 UTC

  11. bicycle maintainence tip: don't eat steel wool

    posted at 2015-11-03 15:20:43 UTC

  12. but I did not shrink the deputy

    Rick Moranis

    posted at 2015-08-15 15:02:45 UTC

  13. a thinner-style horror movie called the maddening where a gypsy turns you slowly into john madden

    posted at 2015-08-03 19:59:21 UTC

  14. I just looked up flash flood and it means regular flood?

    posted at 2015-06-23 14:02:24 UTC

  15. soy milk ಠ_ಠ

    posted at 2015-06-23 13:56:42 UTC

  16. in mexico, “soy sauce” is just telling you what to do with it

    posted at 2015-06-23 13:55:09 UTC

  17. in mexico, “soy beans” are just telling you what they are

    posted at 2015-06-23 13:52:35 UTC

  18. if you thought they were called the black guy peas for most of 2005 you weren't that wrong

    posted at 2015-04-26 19:08:31 UTC

  19. elon musk the new scent from old spice it will send your armpits to mars

    posted at 2015-04-26 19:06:40 UTC

  20. “it's five o'clock nowhere”

    a rudimentary understanding of time zones

    posted at 2015-04-14 22:58:07 UTC

  21. fortress
    noun.

    lady who builds a lot of forts

    posted at 2015-03-28 19:32:18 UTC

  22. dreaming of a white christmas: nostalgic
    dreaming of a white valentine's day: potentially racist

    posted at 2015-02-14 15:13:15 UTC

  23. theba is half the battle

    posted at 2015-02-10 02:04:45 UTC

  24. quintessential
    adj.

    like 5 essential i dont know

    posted at 2015-01-23 05:02:07 UTC

  25. donkeyxote: the award winning comedy where we replace jon lithgow by just more donkeys

    posted at 2015-01-22 16:52:03 UTC

  26. at first i was mad about black friday but then we did give them the month that's missing a day

    posted at 2015-01-21 23:15:53 UTC

  27. i like my sex how i like my dr. j vs. larry bird one on one this entire joke is wrong nevermind

    posted at 2015-01-21 18:51:19 UTC

  28. I would rather get drunk than do drugs and vice-versa.

    posted at 2014-12-31 03:08:49 UTC

  29. girl had a body like a capri sun

    posted at 2014-12-26 17:36:24 UTC

  30. nose candy : cocaine :: butt candy : regular candy

    posted at 2014-12-08 15:44:38 UTC

  31. a movie review titled “the importance of being Ernest Goes to Jail”

    posted at 2014-12-07 03:33:38 UTC

  32. are you allowed to eat a gun for your last meal because that seems too easy

    posted at 2014-11-20 01:15:02 UTC

  33. the first neighborhood watch program: big ben

    posted at 2014-11-15 15:46:56 UTC

  34. anyone know a trick for getting cocaine stains out of your wife

    posted at 2014-11-07 03:33:19 UTC

  35. “Every moment I spend with you is a moment”

    Steven Tyler

    posted at 2014-10-06 02:27:28 UTC

  36. if i take a shower with my clothes on is that machine wash??? need 2 know asap

    posted at 2014-10-04 00:07:50 UTC

  37. my bud alcohol level is lime

    posted at 2014-06-24 05:37:47 UTC

  38. every dildo is an anal dildo unless it's a pussy

    posted at 2014-06-17 00:35:38 UTC

  39. okaiety
    noun.

    like three quarters of the way to gaiety

    posted at 2014-06-11 23:18:10 UTC

  40. how many calories are in a scab

    posted at 2014-05-22 18:09:51 UTC

  41. “I would do anything for love, but I won't do that”

    RSVPing to a wedding

    posted at 2014-05-21 21:50:55 UTC

  42. due to clerical error, the dark ages

    posted at 2014-05-10 03:48:25 UTC

  43. grapefruit and grape fruit aren't the same thing come on

    posted at 2014-04-26 21:39:39 UTC

  44. the machine says “ambergris” is the optimal name for a stripper

    posted at 2014-04-22 23:42:42 UTC

  45. every lion is a food lion

    posted at 2014-02-01 03:39:20 UTC

  46. can you get sick from snorting undercooked meat

    posted at 2014-01-31 22:00:34 UTC

  47. i've known some good cake thieves, but that guy really takes the cake

    posted at 2013-12-07 01:36:57 UTC

  48. ms. pac man is just pac woman tell your friends

    posted at 2013-11-14 20:04:16 UTC

  49. well that's the last time i take legal advice from a jpeg

    posted at 2013-08-17 01:48:59 UTC

  50. the cancer center of america has a 90% customer satisfaction rating which if you think about it is really low

    posted at 2013-05-14 20:38:08 UTC

  51. food pyramid
    noun.

    a fat person

    posted at 2013-03-03 04:22:25 UTC

  52. what if one of them is a capital i and he's been woody alien all along

    posted at 2012-11-25 15:25:10 UTC

  53. vagina euphemism: “scarborough fair”

    posted at 2012-11-09 01:08:03 UTC

  54. earl grey: sophisticated english gentleman
    earl anything else: probably really into trucks

    posted at 2012-09-28 00:59:39 UTC

  55. no woman nokay

    posted at 2012-09-14 00:08:28 UTC

  56. sexual harassment 101: innuendo + intention = nintendo

    posted at 2012-09-04 17:37:24 UTC

  57. how to cure exactly 1 of 2 problems: make it illegal for fat people to get tattoos

    posted at 2012-09-01 01:57:11 UTC

  58. hey, j just met you,
    and this is crazy,
    but here's my number,
    call me or else

    posted at 2012-08-29 16:29:12 UTC

  59. i would fuck a 100-meter butterfly probably

    posted at 2012-08-01 19:42:05 UTC

  60. who would you rather fuck: sarah mclachlan, or somebody else?

    posted at 2012-07-27 03:03:12 UTC

  61. i prefer extra ordinary titties yeah theres a space in there send

    posted at 2012-07-24 05:50:26 UTC

  62. “Hey Heresy”

    The Religin Blossoms

    posted at 2012-07-14 12:41:03 UTC

  63. Horton Hears a Who!

    (one elephant's crippling battle with synesthesia)

    posted at 2012-07-06 20:44:55 UTC

  64. just made my wife emit what will henceforth be known as the sperm wail

    posted at 2012-05-11 05:57:05 UTC

  65. my golden rule: “do unto others”

    posted at 2012-05-08 14:55:44 UTC

  66. just found out charlotte from charlottes web was black

    posted at 2012-05-02 04:37:09 UTC

  67. “legendre” would be a not-terrible name for a black kid

    posted at 2012-05-02 00:20:32 UTC

  68. what the fuck is a denzel

    posted at 2012-04-25 13:46:13 UTC

  69. “bought a sleep number bed because i like my mattress firmer than my wife”

    posted at 2012-04-23 15:11:20 UTC

  70. fact: women are both biodegradable and regular degradable

    posted at 2012-02-24 13:18:32 UTC

  71. mario yamasaki probably gave up a lucrative career as a nintendo

    posted at 2012-01-21 19:42:00 UTC

  72. Come to my newest seminar, 5 Hour Synergy, in which we flood a hotel conference room with nerve gas.

    posted at 2012-01-17 19:14:52 UTC

  73. you're gonna need to throw a hyphen in “stop smoking aids” if you don't want me to laugh at your sign for half an hour

    posted at 2012-01-14 00:45:30 UTC

  74. i like my coffee how i like my women: whiskey

    posted at 2012-01-02 21:10:59 UTC

  75. if i have to die from a disease i just made up, i hope it's missile toe

    posted at 2011-11-23 02:28:13 UTC

  76. pretty much everything is beyond beds/baths

    posted at 2011-11-22 23:53:40 UTC

  77. I never met a data I couldn't metadata.

    posted at 2011-11-21 18:17:40 UTC

  78. the fuck is new zealand the new version of

    posted at 2011-11-04 01:59:06 UTC

  79. i pledge that by the time i'm 50 i will stop thinking that glbt means gay lettuce bacon tomato

    posted at 2011-10-28 00:47:04 UTC

  80. we don't neosporin let the motherfucker burn

    posted at 2011-10-25 21:30:21 UTC

  81. “their spit is so acidic it can melt through the floor”

    ripley's believe it or not

    posted at 2011-10-25 04:20:36 UTC

  82. insurance companies, don't defecate on my leg and tell me it's a plague of locusts

    posted at 2011-10-25 02:22:49 UTC

  83. here lies one whose name was writ in dicks

    posted at 2011-10-13 15:22:48 UTC

  84. it's called hard lemonade because it is difficult to drink

    posted at 2011-10-05 17:14:01 UTC

  85. if lamarck was right, his children would have had an unhealthy obsession with giraffes

    posted at 2011-08-17 23:41:33 UTC

  86. if you love commitment so much why don't you just marry it

    posted at 2011-08-10 14:35:29 UTC

  87. if harry potter is such a good wizard why doesn't he cast 20/20 vision

    posted at 2010-11-25 22:23:35 UTC

  88. a comedy sketch titled “tonya harding party harding”

    posted at 2010-11-22 23:03:42 UTC

  89. Keywords: conjugate gradient method, preconditioning, convergence analysis, agonizing pain

    posted at 2010-10-11 23:39:56 UTC

  90. You've been hit by
    You've been struck by
    A failed ventricle

    posted at 2009-06-26 14:43:07 UTC

  91. “why doesn't it work” = “why does not it work”

    posted at 2009-02-21 23:45:58 UTC

  92. your mom is so fat, she has her own phone number

    posted at 2009-01-09 01:02:57 UTC

  93. the phases of eating a “strawberries and pepper” chocolate bar:

    1. what the fuck were they thinking
    2. what the fuck was i thinking

    posted at 2007-06-16 19:05:52 UTC

  94. putting candy corn on a girl is like one of my top 5 ways to make her worse

    posted at 2007-04-02 17:32:35 UTC

  95. two orders of chicken tenders
    one bar of dark chocolate
    ginger ale
    a tomato

    by your powers combined, i am captain stomach ache

    posted at 2006-11-07 22:40:08 UTC