michael orlitzky


  1. i got a 1.0000e+18 things i would rather fucking do, than be fucking with matlab

    posted at 2023-01-27 01:34:54 UTC

  2. being scalable is in the definition of a vector, SVG you dumb bitch

    posted at 2022-10-31 19:43:24 UTC

  3. failed three anatomy exams back to back to back

    posted at 2022-10-08 23:34:54 UTC

  4. just saw some idiot use “apt” as an abbreviation for “appropriate”

    posted at 2022-04-26 22:57:08 UTC

  5. linguistically speaking, linguistically speaking is redundant

    posted at 2022-02-10 23:46:23 UTC

  6. 1980: the smallpox threat is eliminated, presumably by bigpox

    posted at 2021-09-03 16:17:16 UTC

  7. pretty unfair how premature babies have to pay an extra month of taxes

    posted at 2021-08-30 12:13:26 UTC

  8. quadruple sec

    a mixed drink consisting of 2oz of triple sec served in a standard 1.5oz shot glass

    posted at 2021-01-27 14:53:46 UTC

  9. ultra-violet light is the least violet of the violet lights

    posted at 2020-11-12 15:35:42 UTC

  10. “nonnegative” is positively the best double-negative

    posted at 2020-09-11 11:49:12 UTC

  11. cheap medical marijuana same day delivery no prescription necessary visit instagram.com

    posted at 2020-09-11 11:41:09 UTC

  12. quarantine update: you wouldn't think that caesar salad dressing and frosted flakes go well together but they don't

    posted at 2020-03-24 02:50:17 UTC

  13. Oops, you think I'm in love?
    That I'm sent from above?
    I'm not that innocent.

    Pope Innocent II

    posted at 2020-03-19 14:00:18 UTC

  14. don't knock me, for trying to bury
    over in rio, dejanery

    posted at 2019-12-27 15:48:52 UTC

  15. you and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the bravo channel

    posted at 2019-06-18 03:06:59 UTC

  16. hamlet

    an overweight child

    posted at 2019-05-16 01:09:27 UTC

  17. can mute people get herpes? (asking for a friend)

    posted at 2019-03-21 20:27:38 UTC

  18. in any serious margarita recipe, tiny limes are key

    posted at 2019-03-14 13:18:12 UTC

  19. “black panther”
    so like, a regular panther?

    posted at 2019-02-09 20:26:37 UTC

  20. at first, i was afraid rolls d20 that i was petrified

    posted at 2018-11-14 03:57:23 UTC

  21. a blind person is someone who looks retarded

    posted at 2018-10-30 05:50:42 UTC

  22. Venn Diagrams: where Venn and Diagrams meet

    posted at 2018-07-24 00:55:58 UTC

  23. so cerebral i should be guarding the entrance to hades

    posted at 2018-05-08 02:10:09 UTC

  24. deepest, vee-est, my neckline is like a shark's fin

    posted at 2018-05-01 19:06:40 UTC

  25. next time SAVE A TREE and wipe your butt on a tree

    posted at 2018-05-01 19:04:26 UTC

  26. get a room?!? bitch i was BORN in a room

    posted at 2018-05-01 19:03:17 UTC

  27. life hack: use a 3D printer to print free books

    posted at 2018-03-05 14:39:36 UTC

  28. switching to golf where my subpar performance will be appreciated

    posted at 2018-01-27 00:44:34 UTC

  29. expensive

    someone who used to be thoughtful

    posted at 2017-12-27 18:43:18 UTC

  30. and the award for most thug rap artist/group name goes (simultaneously) to… the 1991 movie city slickers featuring billy crystal?

    posted at 2017-12-21 12:48:41 UTC

  31. shout out to the little grate at the end of the faucet, your last line of defense against miniature burglars

    posted at 2017-12-18 14:28:48 UTC

  32. “I believe I can fly”
    “I believe I can touch the sky”
    strictly less impressive

    posted at 2017-11-18 14:14:28 UTC

  33. I started making eye contact with people but instead of confidence I got pink eye

    posted at 2017-11-15 19:57:41 UTC

  34. west virginia: it's not in west virginia

    posted at 2017-11-15 19:56:03 UTC

  35. “you're so full of yourself,” said the unprofessional radiologist

    posted at 2017-11-15 14:45:31 UTC

  36. glad to hear that sharon and ozzy are back together after their black sabbatical

    posted at 2017-11-01 01:04:50 UTC

  37. menstral projection

    posted at 2017-10-27 17:29:06 UTC

  38. children's tylenol

    a mixed drink consisting of one shot of patron and six regular adult tylenol

    posted at 2017-08-21 14:35:16 UTC

  39. food is so good, i could eat food every day for the rest of my life

    posted at 2017-08-02 17:50:56 UTC

  40. “All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again.”

    Get it together, all the king's horses.

    posted at 2017-08-02 17:40:57 UTC

  41. police officer: do you know why I stopped you?
    me: what's even the difference between ice and ice water

    posted at 2017-01-30 00:44:18 UTC

  42. what the fuck is a sigourney

    posted at 2017-01-03 00:57:53 UTC

  43. “I work at the dollar store,” said the retarded bank teller

    posted at 2016-12-20 00:45:43 UTC

  44. if you get a phd in massage therapy does that make you dr. seuss?

    posted at 2016-03-21 00:00:48 UTC

  45. go to bed?!? bitch i was BORN in bed

    posted at 2016-03-20 03:54:55 UTC

  46. me: i put two 'v' characters next to each other what should i call it?
    kindergarten: how about double 'u'
    me: fuck it start the paperwork

    posted at 2016-03-05 01:02:57 UTC

  47. everyone is literally filled with throwup right now

    posted at 2016-01-13 00:13:02 UTC

  48. get nourished or diarrhea trying

    posted at 2015-11-08 03:46:22 UTC

  49. siamese twin vampires calling themselves dosferatu

    posted at 2015-11-08 03:45:14 UTC

  50. “but I did not shrink the deputy”

    Rick Moranis

    posted at 2015-08-15 15:02:45 UTC

  51. a thinner-style horror movie called the maddening where a gypsy turns you slowly into john madden

    posted at 2015-08-03 19:59:21 UTC

  52. I just looked up flash flood and it means regular flood?

    posted at 2015-06-23 14:02:24 UTC

  53. soy milk ಠ_ಠ

    posted at 2015-06-23 13:56:42 UTC

  54. in mexico, “soy sauce” is just telling you what to do with it

    posted at 2015-06-23 13:55:09 UTC

  55. in mexico, “soy beans” are just telling you what they are

    posted at 2015-06-23 13:52:35 UTC

  56. if you thought they were called the black guy peas for most of 2005 you weren't that wrong

    posted at 2015-04-26 19:08:31 UTC

  57. elon musk the new scent from old spice it will send your armpits to mars

    posted at 2015-04-26 19:06:40 UTC

  58. “it's five o'clock nowhere”

    a rudimentary understanding of time zones

    posted at 2015-04-14 22:58:07 UTC

  59. fortress

    lady who builds a lot of forts

    posted at 2015-03-28 19:32:18 UTC

  60. dreaming of a white christmas: nostalgic
    dreaming of a white valentine's day: potentially racist

    posted at 2015-02-14 15:13:15 UTC

  61. theba is half the battle

    posted at 2015-02-10 02:04:45 UTC

  62. quintessential

    like 5 essential i dont know

    posted at 2015-01-23 05:02:07 UTC

  63. donkeyxote: the award winning comedy where we replace jon lithgow by just more donkeys

    posted at 2015-01-22 16:52:03 UTC

  64. i like my sex how i like my dr. j vs. larry bird

    posted at 2015-01-21 18:51:19 UTC

  65. I would rather get drunk than do drugs and vice-versa.

    posted at 2014-12-31 03:08:49 UTC

  66. girl had a body like a capri sun

    posted at 2014-12-26 17:36:24 UTC

  67. a movie review titled “the importance of being Ernest Goes to Jail”

    posted at 2014-12-07 03:33:38 UTC

  68. are you allowed to eat a gun for your last meal because that seems too easy

    posted at 2014-11-20 01:15:02 UTC

  69. the first neighborhood watch program: big ben

    posted at 2014-11-15 15:46:56 UTC

  70. anyone know a trick for getting cocaine stains out of your wife

    posted at 2014-11-07 03:33:19 UTC

  71. “Every moment I spend with you is a moment”

    Steven Tyler

    posted at 2014-10-06 02:27:28 UTC

  72. my bud alcohol level is lime

    posted at 2014-06-24 05:37:47 UTC

  73. every dildo is an anal dildo unless it's a pussy

    posted at 2014-06-17 00:35:38 UTC

  74. okaiety

    like three quarters of the way to gaiety

    posted at 2014-06-11 23:18:10 UTC

  75. how many calories are in a scab

    posted at 2014-05-22 18:09:51 UTC

  76. “I would do anything for love, but I won't do that”

    RSVPing to a wedding

    posted at 2014-05-21 21:50:55 UTC

  77. due to clerical error, the dark ages

    posted at 2014-05-10 03:48:25 UTC

  78. grapefruit and grape fruit aren't the same thing come on

    posted at 2014-04-26 21:39:39 UTC

  79. the machine says “ambergris” is the optimal name for a stripper

    posted at 2014-04-22 23:42:42 UTC

  80. every lion is a food lion

    posted at 2014-02-01 03:39:20 UTC

  81. can you get sick from snorting undercooked meat

    posted at 2014-01-31 22:00:34 UTC

  82. i've known some good cake thieves, but that guy really takes the cake

    posted at 2013-12-07 01:36:57 UTC

  83. ms. pac man is just pac woman tell your friends

    posted at 2013-11-14 20:04:16 UTC

  84. well that's the last time i take legal advice from a jpeg

    posted at 2013-08-17 01:48:59 UTC

  85. the cancer center of america has a 90% customer satisfaction rating which if you think about it is really low

    posted at 2013-05-14 20:38:08 UTC

  86. food pyramid

    a fat person

    posted at 2013-03-03 04:22:25 UTC

  87. what if one of them is a capital i and he's been woody alien all along

    posted at 2012-11-25 15:25:10 UTC

  88. vagina euphemism: “scarborough fair”

    posted at 2012-11-09 01:08:03 UTC

  89. earl grey: sophisticated english gentleman
    earl anything else: probably really into trucks

    posted at 2012-09-28 00:59:39 UTC

  90. no woman nokay

    posted at 2012-09-14 00:08:28 UTC

  91. hey, j just met you,
    and this is crazy,
    but here's my number,
    call me or else

    posted at 2012-08-29 16:29:12 UTC

  92. i would fuck a 100-meter butterfly probably

    posted at 2012-08-01 19:42:05 UTC

  93. who would you rather fuck: sarah mclachlan, or somebody else?

    posted at 2012-07-27 03:03:12 UTC

  94. “Hey Heresy”

    The Religin Blossoms

    posted at 2012-07-14 12:41:03 UTC

  95. Horton Hears a Who!

    (one elephant's crippling battle with synesthesia)

    posted at 2012-07-06 20:44:55 UTC

  96. just made my wife emit what will henceforth be known as the sperm wail

    posted at 2012-05-11 05:57:05 UTC

  97. my golden rule: “do unto others”

    posted at 2012-05-08 14:55:44 UTC

  98. just found out charlotte from charlottes web was black

    posted at 2012-05-02 04:37:09 UTC

  99. what the fuck is a denzel

    posted at 2012-04-25 13:46:13 UTC

  100. “bought a sleep number bed because i like my mattress firmer than my wife”

    posted at 2012-04-23 15:11:20 UTC

  101. fact: women are both biodegradable and regular degradable

    posted at 2012-02-24 13:18:32 UTC

  102. mario yamasaki probably gave up a lucrative career as a nintendo

    posted at 2012-01-21 19:42:00 UTC

  103. Come to my newest seminar, 5 Hour Synergy, in which we flood a hotel conference room with nerve gas.

    posted at 2012-01-17 19:14:52 UTC

  104. you're gonna need to throw a hyphen in “stop smoking aids” if you don't want me to laugh at your sign for half an hour

    posted at 2012-01-14 00:45:30 UTC

  105. i like my coffee how i like my women: whiskey

    posted at 2012-01-02 21:10:59 UTC

  106. if i have to die from a disease i just made up, i hope it's missile toe

    posted at 2011-11-23 02:28:13 UTC

  107. pretty much everything is beyond beds/baths

    posted at 2011-11-22 23:53:40 UTC

  108. I never met a data I couldn't metadata.

    posted at 2011-11-21 18:17:40 UTC

  109. the fuck is new zealand the new version of

    posted at 2011-11-04 01:59:06 UTC

  110. we don't neosporin let the motherfucker burn

    posted at 2011-10-25 21:30:21 UTC

  111. “their spit is so acidic it can melt through the floor”

    ripley's believe it or not

    posted at 2011-10-25 04:20:36 UTC

  112. insurance companies, don't defecate on my leg and tell me it's a plague of locusts

    posted at 2011-10-25 02:22:49 UTC

  113. here lies one whose name was writ in dicks

    posted at 2011-10-13 15:22:48 UTC

  114. it's called hard lemonade because it is difficult to drink

    posted at 2011-10-05 17:14:01 UTC

  115. if lamarck was right, his children would have had an unhealthy obsession with giraffes

    posted at 2011-08-17 23:41:33 UTC

  116. if you love commitment so much why don't you just marry it

    posted at 2011-08-10 14:35:29 UTC

  117. a comedy sketch titled “tonya harding party harding”

    posted at 2010-11-22 23:03:42 UTC

  118. Keywords: conjugate gradient method, preconditioning, convergence analysis, agonizing pain

    posted at 2010-10-11 23:39:56 UTC

  119. You've been hit by
    You've been struck by
    A failed ventricle

    posted at 2009-06-26 14:43:07 UTC

  120. “why doesn't it work” = “why does not it work”

    posted at 2009-02-21 23:45:58 UTC

  121. your mom is so fat, she has her own phone number

    posted at 2009-01-09 01:02:57 UTC

  122. the phases of eating a “strawberries and pepper” chocolate bar:

    1. what the fuck were they thinking
    2. what the fuck was i thinking

    posted at 2007-06-16 19:05:52 UTC